Time to Move On

Today is the time in my life, when the need to move forward, is the healthiest direction I could offer, me. Allowing myself to stay in an emotional melting pot, doesn't work anymore.

I believe I am becoming healthier everyday,although I can still get pulled back into the hole I dug for myself. That hole.. it's like fighting to climb out of quick sand every single day.  Two steps forward, one step back.

I've needed to stop and take stock of what I want from my life.  It's taken time to see clearly what was going on for me, what I could not be, what I didn't want to be and what I needed to do for myself. I needed perspective; knowing what is important, where I want to go and how I want to get there.

First and foremost, as I have said in previous posts, I need to take care of me.  Focus in on what my needs, wishes, hopes and desires are and become just a titch more selfish. Now is the time to take it up a notch.

Can I do that? Honestly, do I really want to do that? Or is the hurt of experience calling me back to stay in the rut - because it's the only place I know. There is that quicksand again and interestingly enough, I should write those thoughts down.  It's like I am scared of the first step.  That will be obviously be my daily struggle.

So today, I declare that the buck stops here. As the saying goes; today, is the first day of the rest of my life.  I believe in myself. I am worthy of all the things I so desperately want and I need to want these "things".  I am my own unique self; special, creative and wonderful.  And I want to become the person I have at one time, only dreamed about.

Gawd dammit, I am going after it.

So how do you really feel?

So how do I really feel about me?

I believe I am an intelligent, adventurous, spontaneous, quick witted, hot blooded, loyal, responsible, stubborn and geniuine woman.  I can be a bitch and I can be overly generous.  I put others needs before mine and at a cost to my own personal feelings.


I should be more loyal, adventurous, spontaneous, quick witted, hot blooded and genuine to myself. But I was raised to need satisfaction from other people's opinions in order to survive. Wrong? Totally! But this was one of the tools I was given. Those opinions could either help me be a better person, or change me to be someone that everyone else wanted me to be. 


So now reflecting on my life, I realize that I have put so much stock into other's opinions, I lost who I truly am and was meant to be. Not to say I have made a lifetime of bad mistakes, I have a wonderful life.  But its time for me to grow into who I want to be.


I am blessed with not only a wonderful and supportive soul mate but with friends who love me for who I am.  But like so many others, I have befriended people who "shaped" me into something I didn't want nor liked being and I alone, allowed this to happen. Although I craved the friendships and even welcomed them, these "friends" emotionally are unhealthy for me. Strong, true and honest relationships are what I need to be safe and healthy.

The "unhealthy friendships" took away the fun loving, sexy and free spirited person I am.  In it's place is a woman who has become scared to express opinions in fear of making a mistake, analytical and judgemental of my looks and thoughts, and has quieted the voice of what I truly love to do.  The loss of the person I am and the anger I feel toward the manipulation has helped me, and me alone, dig a big hole to climb out of.

But climbing out - is what I am doing.

I first needed to undergo a painful grieving period where I learned about unhealthy friendships and the need to believe in myself. I took back ownership of my feelings.  I call this period; "The time I cleaned out my sandbox."   Sadly though, I lost cherished friends. However, I stood up for me!  I believed in me.  That is when I started thinking about who really mattered - ME!  I know what I need is friends who do care about what I think, what makes me tick and what doesn't.

Then came a compliment from a former high school classmate. Commenting that I am more beautiful today then I was 30 years ago. For some reason, this comment just stayed with me and I feel as if I have awaken from a long sleep.

It does matter to me how I look, it does matter how I connect with people, what they are saying to me, what I am saying to them.  I do matter.  I am important. I am special and I have voice.
Now I spend time listening. I spend time learning. I spend time laughing. I spend time being concerned about my health and how my lack of effort in all things negatively affects my life in so many ways.  There are days I feel as if I have come alive and I love that sensation.

Instead of saying "Life is not a dress rehearsal" I say "This is a live performance" and I have some living to do.

The old belief that one door doesn't close, without another one opening - I believe.

Taking it personally

So how do you un-learn a learned behaviour? You don't.  You learn to see things differently and teach yourself how to react or deal with these "things" that you happen upon every single day of your life.

One of my learned behaviours is I am never quite good enough.  I need to always make a better effort. In my appearance, in what I think, the music I listen to, the feelings or thoughts I have.  I have always felt different from everyone and quite honestly, simply the people with whom I encounter in my every day life. 

Believe me, I am not writing this because I want a pity party. I am writing to take a serious look at me. I want a future that includes living every moment of the time I have left here, to the best of my ability and enjoying myself whilst doing it. If I don't start working on me, I will continue living in same mindset that I am not happy living in.

So in some cases, clearly I am a mess.  I  have given up on me. For a long time now I have stopped taking care of myself; gaining weight, biting my nails, not keeping up with a skin care regime, not being a peace with who I am, not being honest to myself, being difficult and having people in my life who don't deserve to be.

In reality, it doesn't make me any different, nor it doesn't make any of the people with whom I feel different with, better than me. Continuing to live with these thoughts just allows me to believe I am inadequate.  I  take it personally, I react and then I give up on me because I can't cope with being different or not "normal". It is like being on a hamster wheel and it is dam exhausting.  I read this paragraph as if  I am killing myself with emotional pain and that pain is personal.

So to change this learned behaviour, what do I need to do?  I believe that I need to take stock by thinking about the good things I do and the good "things" I have. What do I do that makes me the good person I am?  Do I like these things or do I need to work at changing? If I change, is it because I want to, or someone else wants me to?  These changes need to work for me first.  I have to start thinking, start listening and start acting on all of the above, and just writing these actions down, makes me happy.

I believe it is time to help me understand my abilities, my strengths, my likes. Show that I am a good wife, lover, friend to everyone and most importantly myself.

The one thing I need to understand is that this learned behaviour is part of my core. It is what I was taught as a child and it is what I learned to believe in my formative years. This behaviour will never go away and it will always be one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.  Just like being in recovery from a substance issue, I am in recovery from an behaviour issue.

I am no different than most people I have encountered in my lifetime except I want to grow and change. Does anyone else ever want to get off the hamster wheel, for what ever reason.

Thinkin...

For the past few days, I've spent a great deal of time thinking.. and thinking... and then thinking again.

I've been thinking about who I really am?  What is it that I really wish for in my life? Who do I inspire to be? 

So the first question then is.... Who am I?  I best describe myself as loyal, loving, trustworthy, responsible, quick witted and generous.  I have a strong work ethic, am independent but depend on others to keep me strong.  I love music, the arts and try very hard to be environmentally conscious. I love animals, believe in causes and work to be genuine.  I love everything there is about romance and I am sentimental.

What is it that I really wish for? I wish to be loved like no other, believed in, honored, respected, trusted to know what is right for me, helped when I don't, to remain independent, yet dependent and supported by loved ones.  Like most people in this world, I wish for world peace, a cure for cancer and other debilitating illnesses.

I don't believe I am any different from the majority of the worlds population. So then why do I struggle with believing I don't fit in?

Is it because I carry shame from my childhood? The learned behaviour of never reaching a potential, never being quite good enough, all at the expectation of another? Or is it never feeling quite the love that I needed to feel?

Are all of these questions why I struggle with people and their judgements of who I should be, not with who I want to be?  I think the biggest question to have answered, by me; do I blame myself for not reaching the potential that was expected of me and therefore do everything I can, albeit unconsciously, to hurt myself and prove that I am not good enough? All of the above thoughts are interesting and thought provoking conversations I need to work through.

So who do I inspire to be?  Who I want to be and what makes my heart fill with pride.

The first step

I've elected to blog on my past, present and future life experiences in order to grow up. For gawd sake I am 50! Some say I should know better or that I should grow up!  I say, bring on 50 and then  you have an opinion.

How I think, feel or react to the extrodinary and often ordinary days of my life, is mine. I believe I have a story to tell, a mark to leave on ones heart.

Although you may disagree on my thoughts, or be disapointed in what I write, these words and writings are mine. I write to free my soul.

I want to learn and grow as a person, I am but one individual who yearns to be a better wife, lover, daughter, sister and friend. For not only do I learn for the people in my life, for they ebb and flow, I learn most importantly for me, so that I may ebb and flow as well.

I honestly believe that at the end of each of our journey's in life, what matters most is not what we have purchased or provided in material things, it is what we gave to each person met; love, experience, story told, adventure lived, lesson learned or what footprint we each have left behind for our loved ones.