Taking it personally

So how do you un-learn a learned behaviour? You don't.  You learn to see things differently and teach yourself how to react or deal with these "things" that you happen upon every single day of your life.

One of my learned behaviours is I am never quite good enough.  I need to always make a better effort. In my appearance, in what I think, the music I listen to, the feelings or thoughts I have.  I have always felt different from everyone and quite honestly, simply the people with whom I encounter in my every day life. 

Believe me, I am not writing this because I want a pity party. I am writing to take a serious look at me. I want a future that includes living every moment of the time I have left here, to the best of my ability and enjoying myself whilst doing it. If I don't start working on me, I will continue living in same mindset that I am not happy living in.

So in some cases, clearly I am a mess.  I  have given up on me. For a long time now I have stopped taking care of myself; gaining weight, biting my nails, not keeping up with a skin care regime, not being a peace with who I am, not being honest to myself, being difficult and having people in my life who don't deserve to be.

In reality, it doesn't make me any different, nor it doesn't make any of the people with whom I feel different with, better than me. Continuing to live with these thoughts just allows me to believe I am inadequate.  I  take it personally, I react and then I give up on me because I can't cope with being different or not "normal". It is like being on a hamster wheel and it is dam exhausting.  I read this paragraph as if  I am killing myself with emotional pain and that pain is personal.

So to change this learned behaviour, what do I need to do?  I believe that I need to take stock by thinking about the good things I do and the good "things" I have. What do I do that makes me the good person I am?  Do I like these things or do I need to work at changing? If I change, is it because I want to, or someone else wants me to?  These changes need to work for me first.  I have to start thinking, start listening and start acting on all of the above, and just writing these actions down, makes me happy.

I believe it is time to help me understand my abilities, my strengths, my likes. Show that I am a good wife, lover, friend to everyone and most importantly myself.

The one thing I need to understand is that this learned behaviour is part of my core. It is what I was taught as a child and it is what I learned to believe in my formative years. This behaviour will never go away and it will always be one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.  Just like being in recovery from a substance issue, I am in recovery from an behaviour issue.

I am no different than most people I have encountered in my lifetime except I want to grow and change. Does anyone else ever want to get off the hamster wheel, for what ever reason.

Thinkin...

For the past few days, I've spent a great deal of time thinking.. and thinking... and then thinking again.

I've been thinking about who I really am?  What is it that I really wish for in my life? Who do I inspire to be? 

So the first question then is.... Who am I?  I best describe myself as loyal, loving, trustworthy, responsible, quick witted and generous.  I have a strong work ethic, am independent but depend on others to keep me strong.  I love music, the arts and try very hard to be environmentally conscious. I love animals, believe in causes and work to be genuine.  I love everything there is about romance and I am sentimental.

What is it that I really wish for? I wish to be loved like no other, believed in, honored, respected, trusted to know what is right for me, helped when I don't, to remain independent, yet dependent and supported by loved ones.  Like most people in this world, I wish for world peace, a cure for cancer and other debilitating illnesses.

I don't believe I am any different from the majority of the worlds population. So then why do I struggle with believing I don't fit in?

Is it because I carry shame from my childhood? The learned behaviour of never reaching a potential, never being quite good enough, all at the expectation of another? Or is it never feeling quite the love that I needed to feel?

Are all of these questions why I struggle with people and their judgements of who I should be, not with who I want to be?  I think the biggest question to have answered, by me; do I blame myself for not reaching the potential that was expected of me and therefore do everything I can, albeit unconsciously, to hurt myself and prove that I am not good enough? All of the above thoughts are interesting and thought provoking conversations I need to work through.

So who do I inspire to be?  Who I want to be and what makes my heart fill with pride.

The first step

I've elected to blog on my past, present and future life experiences in order to grow up. For gawd sake I am 50! Some say I should know better or that I should grow up!  I say, bring on 50 and then  you have an opinion.

How I think, feel or react to the extrodinary and often ordinary days of my life, is mine. I believe I have a story to tell, a mark to leave on ones heart.

Although you may disagree on my thoughts, or be disapointed in what I write, these words and writings are mine. I write to free my soul.

I want to learn and grow as a person, I am but one individual who yearns to be a better wife, lover, daughter, sister and friend. For not only do I learn for the people in my life, for they ebb and flow, I learn most importantly for me, so that I may ebb and flow as well.

I honestly believe that at the end of each of our journey's in life, what matters most is not what we have purchased or provided in material things, it is what we gave to each person met; love, experience, story told, adventure lived, lesson learned or what footprint we each have left behind for our loved ones.