Thinkin...

For the past few days, I've spent a great deal of time thinking.. and thinking... and then thinking again.

I've been thinking about who I really am?  What is it that I really wish for in my life? Who do I inspire to be? 

So the first question then is.... Who am I?  I best describe myself as loyal, loving, trustworthy, responsible, quick witted and generous.  I have a strong work ethic, am independent but depend on others to keep me strong.  I love music, the arts and try very hard to be environmentally conscious. I love animals, believe in causes and work to be genuine.  I love everything there is about romance and I am sentimental.

What is it that I really wish for? I wish to be loved like no other, believed in, honored, respected, trusted to know what is right for me, helped when I don't, to remain independent, yet dependent and supported by loved ones.  Like most people in this world, I wish for world peace, a cure for cancer and other debilitating illnesses.

I don't believe I am any different from the majority of the worlds population. So then why do I struggle with believing I don't fit in?

Is it because I carry shame from my childhood? The learned behaviour of never reaching a potential, never being quite good enough, all at the expectation of another? Or is it never feeling quite the love that I needed to feel?

Are all of these questions why I struggle with people and their judgements of who I should be, not with who I want to be?  I think the biggest question to have answered, by me; do I blame myself for not reaching the potential that was expected of me and therefore do everything I can, albeit unconsciously, to hurt myself and prove that I am not good enough? All of the above thoughts are interesting and thought provoking conversations I need to work through.

So who do I inspire to be?  Who I want to be and what makes my heart fill with pride.