Taking it personally

So how do you un-learn a learned behaviour? You don't.  You learn to see things differently and teach yourself how to react or deal with these "things" that you happen upon every single day of your life.

One of my learned behaviours is I am never quite good enough.  I need to always make a better effort. In my appearance, in what I think, the music I listen to, the feelings or thoughts I have.  I have always felt different from everyone and quite honestly, simply the people with whom I encounter in my every day life. 

Believe me, I am not writing this because I want a pity party. I am writing to take a serious look at me. I want a future that includes living every moment of the time I have left here, to the best of my ability and enjoying myself whilst doing it. If I don't start working on me, I will continue living in same mindset that I am not happy living in.

So in some cases, clearly I am a mess.  I  have given up on me. For a long time now I have stopped taking care of myself; gaining weight, biting my nails, not keeping up with a skin care regime, not being a peace with who I am, not being honest to myself, being difficult and having people in my life who don't deserve to be.

In reality, it doesn't make me any different, nor it doesn't make any of the people with whom I feel different with, better than me. Continuing to live with these thoughts just allows me to believe I am inadequate.  I  take it personally, I react and then I give up on me because I can't cope with being different or not "normal". It is like being on a hamster wheel and it is dam exhausting.  I read this paragraph as if  I am killing myself with emotional pain and that pain is personal.

So to change this learned behaviour, what do I need to do?  I believe that I need to take stock by thinking about the good things I do and the good "things" I have. What do I do that makes me the good person I am?  Do I like these things or do I need to work at changing? If I change, is it because I want to, or someone else wants me to?  These changes need to work for me first.  I have to start thinking, start listening and start acting on all of the above, and just writing these actions down, makes me happy.

I believe it is time to help me understand my abilities, my strengths, my likes. Show that I am a good wife, lover, friend to everyone and most importantly myself.

The one thing I need to understand is that this learned behaviour is part of my core. It is what I was taught as a child and it is what I learned to believe in my formative years. This behaviour will never go away and it will always be one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.  Just like being in recovery from a substance issue, I am in recovery from an behaviour issue.

I am no different than most people I have encountered in my lifetime except I want to grow and change. Does anyone else ever want to get off the hamster wheel, for what ever reason.