So how do you really feel?

So how do I really feel about me?

I believe I am an intelligent, adventurous, spontaneous, quick witted, hot blooded, loyal, responsible, stubborn and geniuine woman.  I can be a bitch and I can be overly generous.  I put others needs before mine and at a cost to my own personal feelings.


I should be more loyal, adventurous, spontaneous, quick witted, hot blooded and genuine to myself. But I was raised to need satisfaction from other people's opinions in order to survive. Wrong? Totally! But this was one of the tools I was given. Those opinions could either help me be a better person, or change me to be someone that everyone else wanted me to be. 


So now reflecting on my life, I realize that I have put so much stock into other's opinions, I lost who I truly am and was meant to be. Not to say I have made a lifetime of bad mistakes, I have a wonderful life.  But its time for me to grow into who I want to be.


I am blessed with not only a wonderful and supportive soul mate but with friends who love me for who I am.  But like so many others, I have befriended people who "shaped" me into something I didn't want nor liked being and I alone, allowed this to happen. Although I craved the friendships and even welcomed them, these "friends" emotionally are unhealthy for me. Strong, true and honest relationships are what I need to be safe and healthy.

The "unhealthy friendships" took away the fun loving, sexy and free spirited person I am.  In it's place is a woman who has become scared to express opinions in fear of making a mistake, analytical and judgemental of my looks and thoughts, and has quieted the voice of what I truly love to do.  The loss of the person I am and the anger I feel toward the manipulation has helped me, and me alone, dig a big hole to climb out of.

But climbing out - is what I am doing.

I first needed to undergo a painful grieving period where I learned about unhealthy friendships and the need to believe in myself. I took back ownership of my feelings.  I call this period; "The time I cleaned out my sandbox."   Sadly though, I lost cherished friends. However, I stood up for me!  I believed in me.  That is when I started thinking about who really mattered - ME!  I know what I need is friends who do care about what I think, what makes me tick and what doesn't.

Then came a compliment from a former high school classmate. Commenting that I am more beautiful today then I was 30 years ago. For some reason, this comment just stayed with me and I feel as if I have awaken from a long sleep.

It does matter to me how I look, it does matter how I connect with people, what they are saying to me, what I am saying to them.  I do matter.  I am important. I am special and I have voice.
Now I spend time listening. I spend time learning. I spend time laughing. I spend time being concerned about my health and how my lack of effort in all things negatively affects my life in so many ways.  There are days I feel as if I have come alive and I love that sensation.

Instead of saying "Life is not a dress rehearsal" I say "This is a live performance" and I have some living to do.

The old belief that one door doesn't close, without another one opening - I believe.